So I guess some things have changed since the last time I wrote anything in here. I've graduated from high school, gone to New York City, and built and demolished the set of an opera. I have a girlfriend, and quite an awesome one, albeit one who happens to live several hundred miles away. I've tried to grow a goatee. I have three pieces of titanium inserted into my gums in various locations. I've found out where I'll be living for the next year, and I'm resigned to it.

I leave for Chicago on September 14th. I'm not really doing much from now until then. Some of my friends have left now, some haven't. I need to try and see whoever I can before they leave and I realize that they're gone. Whatever, maybe I'll just hang out at BB&N until I fly out since I'll have nothing better to do. I'm excited to get to school and stuff. Mad O-Week parties and the like. I may have a triple that's a mile from campus, but it shall be an *empty* triple a mile from campus for a week or so. So yeah.

I saw Lindsey last night for the first time in a while, and I'm glad that things are cool between us again now. Not that they weren't, exactly, but something just feels better now that had been missing for a while. We went bowling, which is still something I suck at. But fuck coordination.

So, let's see... Civ 4 rocks my world; New York rocks my world; Chicago will rock my world; and Katy Cristina McNeil rocks my world most of all.

fuck all the indecision.

Things I need to do:

Buy new music
Figure out what I'm doing this summer
Figure out where I'm going to school
Find a prom date

Thoughts?

*suspicious grin*

What? Oh, nothing.

I'm on a jury. What the fuck?

Illusions are gone. But I'm afraid of what's underneath, because there is frighteningly little. Midnight revelations tell me what they always have. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to be this alone, to know that nothing I do is really worthwhile anymore. I wanted so badly to be able to focus my unfulfilled desires somewhere, but after everything is said and done I realize that they had little to do with reality. There isn't very much that matters to me now, and when I try to fill the empty spaces I am only deluding myself. I've said before that something needs to change, and it is truer than ever. I can't go on anymore without anything to distract me from my own boredom.

It's late and I'm prone to melodrama. I guess this is the wrong time to try to be objective. I'll feel better in the morning. All of this is kind of ridiculous, really. Just a plea for sympathy or attention. I think I need people more than I let on.

Maybe I should have gone to the semi. I don't really think it's the kind of thing I would have enjoyed - it's not like I can dance or anything - but it's nature to regret it nonetheless. Sometimes I wonder if I've really progressed much in the last four years.

It's probably a good thing when circumstances force me to confront things that I would otherwise avoid indefinitely.

starvingeyes87: i think i am on the lamest and most anticlimactic downward spiral evar

I need a catalyst.

everything is fucked. everybody sucks.

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
the one on my abdomen is from surgery when i was an infant

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
white wallpaper, some hubcaps, some of my paintings

3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE?
small-ish

4. WHAT TYPES OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
alternative, metal, emo, hardcore, industrial, techno

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
early afternoon

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
to not have to face college applications

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS AT TIMES?
my youth

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION?
my guitar - epiphone SG

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL?
burning metal

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
yeah

11. IF YOU DIED TOMORROW:
my life would be pretty worthless, i think.

12. THE LAST PERSON WHO MADE YOU CRY?
i dunno

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
umm.

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
i'm not too particular. usually long and straight, i guess.

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF PROPOSING TO A GIRL AT?
i was just reading about someone proposing on the goodyear blimp. that's a pretty cool idea.

(i wonder where 16-18 went...)

19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
probably you, for making you read this

20. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
hmmm...

21. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
a number from one to a hundred (fuck me.)

22. BLONDES, REDHEADS OR BRUNETTES?
whichever

23. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN?
i don't call people very often

24. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
people that suck

25. HAVE YOU EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
no. though i have fond memories of watching other people making them

26. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS SURVEY?
eating dinner

27. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?
because i am an attention whore

28. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PIZZA?
pepperoni

29. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
my life wouldn't change noticeably

30. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
a car would be crazy awesome

31. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF IT SUDDENLY STARTED RAINING BLOOD?
rock out

32. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
no

33. WHICH FINGER[S] IS YOUR FAVORITE?
this one *holds up middle finger*

34. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
i dunno

35. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
yes

36. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
what, exactly, is a lunch meat? pepperoni on pizza probably doesn't count. but if it did, it would be the answer to this question.

37. ANY BAD HABITS?
probably

38. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF?
something by dashboard confessional

39. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
nah. i'd probably never talk to me, because we would both be antisocial.

40. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL?
no

41. DO LOOKS MATTER?
not usually

42.HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
by torturing and killing people

43. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
connecticut

44. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
not really

45. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
sega genesis.

46. WHAT CLASS IN SCHOOL DO YOU THINK IS TOTALLY USELESS?
chemistry. it's basically pure memorization, and it serves little purpose unless you plan to go into the field

47. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL?
nah, just lj

48. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
what's that?

49. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT?
yeah

50. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
jack

51. Would you bungee jump?
no

52. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
no

53. DO YOU THINK THAT YOU HAVE STRONG POINTS?
yeah

54. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
edy's has a lot of good ones, like espresso chip

55. How tall are you?
5'9"

56. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLORS?
black, because it is the color of my soul

57. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
none

58. WHO DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW?


59. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
the starting line

60. LAST THING YOU ATE?
soup

61. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
my aunt

62. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
breasts...

63. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
bored

64. FAVORITE DRINK?
eggnog

65. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?
i'm no expert. anything strong, really

66. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT?
foosball.

67. HAIR COLOR?
light brown-ish

68. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SONG?
*~total~eclipse~of~the~heart~*

69. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES?
i wear them when i drive. otherwise, i'm not really ready to admit how blind i am

70. SIBLINGS?
older brother

71. FAVORITE MONTH?
november

72. FAVORITE FOOD?
pizza?

73. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
the duel. it's a martial arts movie starring andy lau. it was terrible...

74. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
n/a

75. SUMMER OR WINTER?
winter

76. HUGS OR KISSES?
whatever i can get.

78. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
relationships

79. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING?
i haven't read any for a while

80. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE?
umm...some buttons? a track wheel?

81. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
monopoly

82. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
conan o'brien

83. WHO WERE YOU WITH LAST NIGHT?
nobody. fuck social lives.

I wrote a new electronic song a few days ago. So humor me and listen to it.

Link

the end of paralysis

I figured I might as well record a few landmarks in here. These are probably the only things I'll remember about these days, looking back, so it somehow seems important to write them down somewhere. I seem to have reached quite a few precipices at this moment, and so it will be interesting to see how everything turns out.

The senior paper is due tomorrow. I've been having horrible mental blocks trying to write it, and I still have to basically double what I have at this moment in order to fulfill the requirement. I'll manage, though, just at the cost of most of tonight's sleep.

This is the week when everybody hears whether they got in, whether they were worthy of living their respective dreams. Me, I've known since November what the answer will be. I'm not the hopeless idealist I once wished I could be; but realism doesn't really disappoint me when I consider what a lot of other people are going through right now.

Lindsey's home for most of December. This is generally good, although there isn't really anything easy about it. We'll see how all of this turns out.

There will be no italicized lyric fragments in this entry. I guess I'm more honest right now than I'm usually willing to be with most people. But maybe there isn't much to gain by guarding my feelings as carefully as I usually do.

i got keys and the golden screw!

my life is complete!

today's experimentations with eyeliner were pretty fun. i feel a little guilty---i'm not goth, i'm not gay, and i'm not my brother---but i should repeat it sometime. possibly with more dedicated drag, though that is a slippery slope down which i am fearful to embark. in any case, we forgot to get pictures of the gothed-out, prepped-out tech crew, so this provides an easy excuse to do it again. even if it means that kms will refuse to look at me.

i've finally decided not to fence this year. i hate to be leaving the team and all the friends i've made through fencing, but i decided that it's just not what i want to be doing with my time for the next three months. the sport itself has lost its novelty to me, and continuing it would only lead to more frustration--it's not like i was ever very good at it. this isn't to say that i mean to quit fencing for good. i'll leave open the possibility of picking it up again in college or something. (in saying that, though, i may not be being entirely honest with myself.)

to the fencers, i will miss you all this season. i wish you the best.

lesson learned: if you just do something immediately, instead of putting it off and agonizing over it, you will save yourself a lot of trouble.